November 30, 2007
Dr. Laura’s Dream
Radio call-in psychologist Dr. Laura Schlessinger told every young sensitive woman who called into her show for advice they were dirty whores for shacking up with their boyfriends out of wedlock. She liked nothing better than shoving her puritanical new-born Christian ideals down the throat of some troubled girl. “Isn’t it obvious,” she wondered, “I’m trying to save these girls from doom. Don’t they understand that men STINK. Their clothes STINK, their breath STINKS, their hands STINK, their balls STINK, their hairy assholes STINK.” Unable to curtail her meandering line of thinking she blurted out, “Don’t you realize everything about men STINKS?” Dr. Laura didn’t know what came over her. It was right out of Valerie Solanas S.C.U.M. Manifesto, only the doctor pulled up short of actually advocating the total annihilation of the male population called for by the Society for Cutting Up Men. When asked why she shot Andy Warhol Solanas told authorities she hadn’t intended to do it originally, she set out to kill another guy, “but he wasn’t home.” Then added: “As if you need a reason to shoot a man.” Dr. Laura knew she could become a real bitch on air sometimes, especially when she got a girl on the line that had slept with a man when she didn’t want to, or hadn’t slept with a man when she did want to, but quoting passages from Solanas’ screed was excessive even for her. She just couldn’t stop herself, and without realizing it she found herself riding a regular listener from her bully pulpit: “Sex is not part of a relationship: on the contrary, it is a solitary experience, non-creative, a gross waste of time. The female can easily — far more easily than she may think — condition away her sex drive, leaving her completely cool and cerebral and free to pursue truly worthy relationships and activities; but the male, who seems to dig women sexually and who seeks out constantly to arouse them, stimulates the highly sexed female to frenzies of lust, throwing her into a sex bag from which few women ever escape. The lecherous male excites the lustful female; he has to — when the female transcends her body, rises above animalism, the male, whose ego consists of his cock, will disappear.” Dr. Laura’s producer became concerned she was flipping out right in the middle of the show and peeked into the broadcast booth to see what was going on. What he saw surprised him. It was like the radio psychologist was trying to physically stop herself from uttering the words, only she couldn’t. The words kept coming out of her mouth no matter what she did to try and stop it up. “Retaining the male has not even the dubious purpose of reproduction.” She really got going on this one simpering caller all the while vainly attempting to clamp her own jaw shut by pressing her hands into her cheeks as hard as she could. “The male is a biological accident: the y (male) gene is an incomplete x (female) gene, that is, has an incomplete set of chromosomes. In other words, the male is an incomplete female, a walking abortion, aborted at the gene stage. To be male is to be deficient, emotionally limited; maleness is a deficiency disease and males are emotional cripples.” Dr. Laura seemed to relax a bit and toned down her rhetoric. “Not all men are bad, though” she thought out loud, “There are some good ones like…” Her secretary came in and announced, “Tom Delay.” Thinking the intern was feeding her examples, Dr. Laura said, “No. There are good men, like…” “The Decider-in-Chief,” the secretary said. “No, a good man, like, like…” “Darth Cheney,” the secretary said. “No, no, no!” the psychologist screamed. “Those are NOT good men!” Dr. Laura knew full well they were scumbags. She was screwing all three of them. The secretary realized the misunderstanding and clarified, “They are on the phone, Ms. Schlessinger.” The doctor groaned. She was sick of being passed around by the three of them like the trashy slut she knew she was. Lately it was nothing but twosomes, threesomes, and anal sex. There was hardly a moment when she didn't have one cock in her mouth and one up her ass. And she hated herself for it. The producer, who listened from the control room, braced himself. He could hear in her raised voice she was flaring up again, and got down on his knees to pray to baby Jesus, but it wasn't enough. All her life she had hated women Dr. Laura realized when it was really men who were to blame. “How many young girls had she told it was their fault?” she thought back. “Millions.” There was no time to waste. She needed to take action to turn around the mess she’d made of all those young, impressionable, feminine minds. Sure, girls need to be responsible, but not by blaming themselves for what men do. There was only one choice left. She would lead the SCUM revolution! “The sick, irrational men,” she shouted into her microphone, “Those who attempt to defend themselves against their disgustingness, when they see SCUM barreling down on them, will cling in terror to Big Mama with her Big Bouncy Boobies, but Boobies won't protect them against SCUM; Big Mama will be clinging to Big Daddy, who will be in the corner shitting in his forceful, dynamic pants. Men who are rational, however, won't kick or struggle or raise a distressing fuss, but will just sit back, relax, enjoy the show and ride the waves to their demise.” Dr. Laura knew just how to get the ball rolling. She left all three of her lovers on hold, the perverted creeps could go to hell for all she cared, grabbed her handbag, and walked out of the radio station without saying good-bye to anyone. The first order of business was buying a semi-cab. She wanted one with hot pink flames painted on the hood. It was going to be like Thelma and Louise (1991) only with a happy ending. The trick was to start small. She could see it now. Every time an emergency or law enforcement vehicle would come barreling down the street with it’s lights flashing and sirens wailing she would pull the bill of her trucker cap down low over her mirrored Ray-Bans, park her 18-wheeler monster big rig in the middle of the road and dare them to try and get around her.